Best answering machine messages

1. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here, so leave a message.

2. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

3. Hi. I am probably home. I’m avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

4. Hi, I’m not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

5. If you are a burglar, then we’re at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it is safe to leave us a message.

6.He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave “sexy message,” I call you sooner!

7. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

8. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charities through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

9. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

10. Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

11. Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.

12. I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for “the most calls missed” if it’s a emergency, please hold on till the record is broken. And I will call you back.

13. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

14. Hi, this is Stephanie’s answering machine. If you’re the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she’ll send it sooner or later. If you’re a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won’t help you, but we’ll always have something to laugh about when we’re bored.)

15. (With loud music playing in the background) “Hello… HELLO?? I can’t hear you! What? Oh.. we’re not home, leave a message.

16. “(In funny old lady voice) Hello, you have reached the —-family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we’re done shopping.”

17. We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

18. Hi. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

If you liked this post please buy me a cup of coffee to quench my thirst

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10 Responses to “Best answering machine messages”

  1. Aaron Wakling Says:

    I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you.

    Aaron Wakling

  2. answering machine messages Says:

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  3. jeff (Female Parent) Says:

    Such a very good machine

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  8. Tidy Heide Says:

    “A must have” machine. This is really cool whenever your away at home. It’ really helps a lot answering your phone calls temporarily when your not at home.

    Anyway I have agreat time reading your article specially # 13: I got really amused. You rock!

  9. Kris Pierce Says:

    We don’t really bother too much about cloaking Amazon links only because most people like shopping at Amazon and if they see the link they are generally happy to click on it.

  10. Mayra Corless Says:

    Hi, very nice post, i certainly love this website, keep on it

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